Ang Mo Kio without the Kio

Quite unlike me, but this is a quasi-serious post.

Quite often people post reviews of the year as it reaches its conclusion. I thought I’d change it up and wait for it to reach it’s ultimate conclusion. I’m lazy.

We often look back over the year that came (ironically, I also just came) and define it by the movies and albums we loved and the relationships we fell in and out of. Nothing really changes for us year-to-year.

This year was different. I’m a different person now than I was at the start of the year. I’ve gone from heartbroken, insecure and not very accepting of people to the opposite. I have the wonderful people I’ve met in Singapore to thank for that.

Let’s rewind back to NYE 2008: stuck at home with my ex-gf and her twisted ankle, it was a horribly boring New Year’s. It could only go up from there (thanks to the magical power of Viagra). Life after that was quite turbulent as I struggled to get over a 2.5 year relationship and disappeared from the world by staying at home most weekends, drinking myself silly in bed. The only high point for the first few months of 09 was receiving notice that I am the smartest guy ever from my university, and a shitload of prize money. Oh and a trip to Fiji which was amazing.

In my last month and a bit in Sydney, something sparked in me and I started going out and having fun. I found a ‘niche’ for myself on Thursday nights at a club there and started coming back out of my shell quite a bit. Made a lot of friends and had an incredible time every week. A lot of the friends I made were gay and it made me a more accepting person (believe it or not I was homophobic up until about 3 years ago). Negatively, I became a bit of a slut (not a sex slut, but a kiss slut) - the proverbial ‘spiral’ that comes with breakups.

I was pretty depressed leaving Oz: thinking people wouldn’t get my sense of humour and also upset at having to find new friends, as I had heard Singaporeans are quite closed socially from non-Singaporeans.

The job in Singapore was a blessing as it forced me to let go of the past and find a new life and helped with getting over my ex. People always told me to “get a life”. I did so literally. Bought one on eGay.

I fucking love Singapore. As I’ll readily admit, it has its fair share of problems but at this stage it’s a perfect country for me. I was euphoric again for the first time since the breakup a few weeks after touching down.

One of the first times I went out I met Stefan and Jamie Poo Tong Hua (Yeah, that’s what you get for not having a real surname on Facebook, betch). I realised that there are quite likeminded people in Singapore. I quickly started meeting more and more people that I connected with, e.g. Ethel, Rudie and Mel who were my first proper friends here.

Eventually I ran into a Malay girl by the name of Josie Melati. Though, I hear she prefers to be called Melati. She became my best friend and also gave me the awesome opportunity to steal many of her friends and become heaps more popular than her. On the internet. Josie is one of the most incredible girls I’ve ever met: despite the nuclear accident that caused her to develop a receding hairline at the ripe age of 12, she has risen above the odds and become the ultimate supreme ruler of the Heartlands, where she now resides with her mum. Except, not really. Well, only the Heartlands part is true. And her awesomeness. Josie is one of the smartest people you’ll meet with very diverse interests (she likes guys and girls). I don’t think I’ve ever had a conversation with her where we weren’t laughing hysterically every few minutes. Wuv you, slut.

From Josie, came Paul. As in, Josie made Paul cum. Hard. From his penis. Ejaculatorally. That’s not a real word. This paragraph also isn’t real. But Paul is a guy I stalked. Every time he’d take a photo of him at Butter, Id take a photo of him. Naked. Eventually we did manage to have a conversation without a camera lens and I grew to love him. Anally. Also a very intelligent guy, and someone I respect incredibly much and would turn to for advice on anything.

Eventually I did hit a slump due to falling in love for the second time in my life, and heartbreak but eventually I pulled myself out of it.

Then came a plethora of other people who I find awesome such as Belle, Leon, Ritz, Bobby, Ginette, Jbarks, Marie [for making me your “Aussie crush”], Rob [for helping me express myself more through fashion and be more comfortable with myself, also for the awesome anal], Angie, Dharni, Gwen, Jack, Sherrie, Yan, the entire ‘fashion crew’ (e.g. Dani, Ronald, Ruff, Mich, etc etc), etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc etc . Too many people to name. Linda also fits in there somewhere: thanks for being a great friend; awesome to see how close we have become after hating each other last year. Alicia, thanks for being an awesome housemate. And everyone else. If I haven’t mentioned you, then assume you’re part of the etc. mention. Dave and Shawn, you guys don’t get  a mention because I hate you. Jokes. I wuv you lots. Especially you Dave despite you being a gook.

Oh and love my Pinoy mates too: Gian the incredibly hot and talented designer, Celine the butch lesbian, Karlos, Sarah, and of course Inah + the rest of the Fluxxe and Cebu crew.

Oh and of course, I still love my Aussie friends and miss you dearly. As I said in my farewell speech: “I will think of you every night. When I jerk off”. I have kept this promise.

Life is incredible now thanks to all these people. I feel like I am ‘myself’ now at all times, and am very comfortable with myself. I’ve never had such confidence: whether it’s to wear whatever I want to or just completely be myself around everyone.

I have also become more spontaneous: I am too logical and overanalyse the impact of every decision. However, this changed with something trivial: when I woke up hung over and decided to go on a whim to KL with leon and paul for 1 night to see leon play with lapsap. Something triggered within me and enabled me to live my life more randomly, and more enjoyably.

Importantly I also accomplished a number of dreams:

• Got back into music and became The World’s Number 1 (WORST) DJ.
• Went travelling by myself for the first time.
• Scuba dove
• Graduated top of my class
• Passed probation at my job, which I absolutely love
• Wrote a 2009 retrospective tumblr entry
• Picked up and quit smoking
• Hit a weight I thought I’d never achieve
• Took my shirt off in public for the first time since I was a little kid: huge deal for me given my body confidence issues

I’m trying to think of possible resolutions, but I can only think of two. I really do love life right now and walk around with a seedy paedophile smile due to my constantly-euphoric state. I guess this shows how awesome the year was for me.

1. Start going to the gym again. Any muscle I used to have has disappeared
2. Travel around Asia more

No, this is not a story about cars. Or oral sex in cars. It is a story of something far more vile; far more sinister. So, I was talking about sucking one’s own penis with a girl today…as you do. Before we begin, remember you can comment by simply clicking this post.

I recall the wise words of a comedian: “as good as the feeling of a mouth around your dick is, it would be negated by the taste of a dick in your mouth”.

So, let me ask an open question, you can answer below. If you’re male, have you ever tried to go down on yourself? (?) If I don’t have a 100% (HIV) positive response rate, then I’ll assume people lied.

One of the saddest moments a boy has growing up is realising he will never be able to give themselves head. It’s a bit like a dog chasing it’s own tail - you keep trying and trying, expecting to catch your tail, but alas, the elusive tail doesn’t want to be caught…in your mouth.

Apparently Marilyn Manson had some ribs removed so that he could suck himself off. So did a few other celebrities. Now, given that these guys are rich and powerful, they could probably get many groupies and would get sex as they please. Yet, still, they have this impulsion to insert a hot rod into their own mouth (please see picture of what a hot Rod looks like below).

Given that our fathers and forefathers have at some stage attempted the fine art of autofellatio, one would think that evolution would have kicked in and given us this uncanny ability to get ourselves off orally.

Hell, perhaps being able to suck our own penis would reduce the sex crime rate: guys wouldn’t walk around all agitated, trying very hard to pick up. It could also solve problems with overpopulation. Only problem would be the age-old question: would you spit or swallow?

Thank you for your time - I hope I have successfully grossed you out and made you reconsider being an asexual being forever. This has been a community service announcement brought to you by the Ang Moh. (?)

“Ang moh”, you frantically begin. “I keep returning to your blog every single day and alas, I am not subjected to your intricate wit and general awesomeness”. For that, I apologise. I know that from my first few posts a legion of die-hard followers have developed (thanks mum for following my blog!) but I have been too busy to blog.

I lie. Anyone who uses the “oh, I’m too busy to do X” excuse is lying. They are merely lazy or wishing to use their free time for other activities. If we add up the amount of free time we have in a week, we will surprise ourselves. Perception doesn’t equal reality. “Ang moh! I work three jobs, support a family, have seventeen kids and have nightly pole dancing classes”, you argue. Well, let me ask you this (particularly applies to men): have you ever been too busy to masturbate?

I didn’t think so. I win. You lose. BRB, masturbating.

Which leads me to my next point…GINGIVITIS. That is all.

I’m looking forward to writing a cliched end of year post explicating how awesome the year was, revealing the number of new STDs named after me and generally revelling in my own beauty. A lot has indeed happened recently, and the past 8 or so months in Singapore have been amazing. You know that a lot has happened if despite being here so little, it feels like I’ve been here for years. I’ve crammed more into this year than a fat person crams into their mouth during a 5-minute free cake giveaway.

I shall leave you with something that will make yo uas smart as I am: http://www.learnsomethingeveryday.co.uk/

Did you know a peanut is not a nut? Well, now you do and can piss people off with random, useless trivia.

Wishing you all lots of Boomz,

Ang Mo Kio Without the Kio.

Don’t forget that you can comment by clicking on the post icon

“White people?!”, I hear you exclaim. I have heard about these mystical creatures in picture books. Also, on the news when I heard some white Michael Jackson guy died. Could white people be real? Yes. They are as real as H1N1. But worse.

On Wednesday nights, it snows in Singapore. You see, there is an influx of white people at Lau Pa Sat. They eat satay. Consume tiger beer. Discuss the difficulties of being so ang moh it hurts. Sometimes they touch each other. But only sometimes. Yes, life is hard for white people. Penis is also hard. Anyway, legend is that this Wednesday satay tradition dates back to Colonial times, when Singapore was just being formed: a year ago. Some charming, charismatic, red headed (literally ang moh) mynx from England decided that she had no friends and wanted some (at that point they didn’t have eBay). So she used the power of a mythical dragon named internet to arrange for a place for people to meet each other and connect on a shared experience…their love for satay. and tigers. and beer.

After the beer is drained, it’s off to insomnia they go. Another place filled with white people. Also, many old white people picking up prostitutes/SPGs.

Note: As always, you can comment by clicking on this post.

I’m Stas.

/end.

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I’m 22 and was born in Russia. I have lived in Sydney, Australia most of my life. People would describe me as happy, funny, geeky, a party animal, rational, gay (even though I’m not really - must be the skinny jeans, my gay posture and the 50 other gay things about me including my tendency to suck cock [jokes]), intelligent, slutty. If someone was to sum me up in one word, they would use the word ‘perfect’. Or arrogant. Probably, arrogant.

I’m very sarcastic and also love sexist, racist and homophobic humour. I think laughter is truly the best medicine and don’t see the need to live life through rose-coloured glasses of political correctness. Ironically, I abhor actual sexist, racist and homophobic attitudes. I advocate complete and utterly unequivocal equity and equality for all. Unless they’re black, female, jewish lesbians. joking.

You will find that I use terrible English grammar when I write blogs - this is merely stylistic. I’m actually a grammar Nazi. Phwoar.

I love my life. If I had to imagine the perfect lifestyle for myself five years ago; for today, it would match up almost exactly. I work as an Assistant Brand Manager (marketing) for an incredible company, on a fun brand. I get to work in one of my favourite countries in the world. I have a lot of awesome, supportive and diverse friends. I have my dream apartment coupled with the ultimate bachelor bed. Giggiddy.

Happy New Year’s! It’s the end of the financial year.

Note: You can comment by clicking on this post.

All blog entries are my personal opinion and are not representative of the company I work for, the New World Order, the imperialist alliance of Sub-Saharan-Asian-America or the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Arriving to Singapore in January 2008 to complete my internship, I glanced upon the onboard ‘flight path’ map. I realised that we were headed to an uncharted destination; Singapore wasn’t large enough to fit on the map even when zoomed in. Two months after, I left Singapore hoping to come back.

A year and a bit later, I came. After climaxing, I came back to Singapore.

The end. Now I don’t have to blog anymore.

Except not really. I came to Singapore for the food, the comfortable living, the awesome job and how much fun (and safe) the city is. I could fall asleep drunk holding a $100 bill out in my hand and no one would take it. Chances are they wouldn’t take it anywhere else, either, as I look like an AIDS & scurvy-infested arse pirate. However, it is safe.

I genuinely love Singapore. It’s an incredible country to live in. It has faults, like any other country, but on the balance of averages it’s amazing.

So that’s my story about why Singapore la. Next, I shall paint a detailed portrait of myself. With words. Because one-thousand words tell a picture. What do they tell a picture; why are they even talking to this picture. You will have to find out.

A hidden preview into my blog’s future entries:

• Ladyboys (pictured below)
• Esquires
• Breakdance fighting
• Gay little elves
• Nude, candid full-frontal photographs of myself

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